


Musings

by Mythyk



Series: The Way We've Written Ourselves [2]
Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half-Life VR but the AI is Self-Aware - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Post-Canon, alternate identity?, mild existentialism?, secret identity?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-15 04:01:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29182941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mythyk/pseuds/Mythyk
Summary: In the Wikipedia Room – Post Act 2: Part 2AKA the computer room with the globe thing Benry sat on. Gordon takes a moment to step away from the others and process what’s going on, and "Benrey" eventually joins them. A quiet moment of understanding, I think.
Relationships: Benrey & Gordon Freeman, Original Character & Original Character, original character & benrey
Series: The Way We've Written Ourselves [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2072463
Kudos: 7





	Musings

**Author's Note:**

> CW: identity crisis?  
> This is a more speculative piece. Hope you guys enjoy it :>  
> lmk if there's other CWs i should add! And as always, feel free to kudos/comment

As soon as everyone had fallen asleep, Gordon quietly stood up and walked out of the room they were in, instead leaning against the platform that projected the hologram. He closed his eyes and listened to the humming of the machinery surrounding him.

Alright, they were Not-Gordon at this point. They needed a break from the pressure of being Gordon. It slid down so that their back was pressed against the hologram’s platform, its legs stretched out in front of them.

Benrey – or was it Not-Benrey? – had followed it out. They hovered near the room, until Not-Gordon let out a soft “Hey,” letting them know it was okay to be there.

“Hey,” they said softly. “Not him?”

“Nah,” it replied, watching them approach with a tired gaze. “Guess same for you.”

“Yeah,” Not-Benry sighed, sitting next to them. “Nice to break character a bit.”

“How much, though?” they murmured, their voice unusually subdued.

Their gaze snapped over to look at it, their eyes widening slightly. “Huh?”

“I’m… I think I’m a lot like him, y’know?” Not-Gordon gestured to itself. “Or something about this place convinces me that my actions as him are actions I’d do on my own.” They let their arm drop back down limply.

“I think you should stop overthinking things,” Not-Benrey stated. “Not much we can do, so we might as well keep going.”

“It- maybe, but it’s still scary.” They pulled their legs up, hugging them as they rested their chin on their knees.

Not-Benry shrugged, staring ahead.

The two sat for a few moments in silence.

“Do you… do you need sleep?” Not-Gordon turned to look at them from the corner of its eye.

They shrugged, explaining, “Nah, it… don’t need it,” they shook their head, “not human. But you do.” They looked at it, raising an eyebrow as they tilted their head.

“Yeah, I do,” they agreed. “But I don’t think I’ll be getting it.”

Not-Benrey sighed, standing up and holding a hand out to Not-Gordon. It took it hesitantly, letting itself be led back to the room the rest of the Science Team was sleeping in. Not-Benry didn’t let go of its hand as they sat against the wall, tugging them down. Not-Gordon sat down next to them, their shoulders brushing against each other. Not-Gordon looked at the point of contact with a frown; they couldn’t feel it at all. It looked away, drawing their shoulder away from Not-Benrey, rubbing at its forearm as though it might be able to feel that instead. They only felt when the glove hit the grooves on the plating and snagged there, which even then was a faint feeling. Their frown deepened.

“Here,” Not-Benry said, patting their thigh as they let their legs lay out flat across the floor.

It looked at them in confusion, too tired to fully grasp what they meant until Not-Benrey tugged at its arm, making them fall sideways over them.

“Right, uh…” Not-Gordon remained half-fallen, half-sitting, taking in the situation as the gears in their mind worked far too slowly.

“Not cuz of my crush, I’m just helping a bro out, alright?” they avoided Not-Gordon’s gaze as they tugged its ponytail loose, putting the hair tie on their wrist like a bracelet.

“Y-yeah,” they readjusted its position so that its head was resting on their thigh, getting as comfortable as they could in the HEV suit.

There was a beat of silence between the two, where Not-Benry ran their fingers through Not-Gordon’s hair, carefully detangling any knots they came across.

“You’d better not call me gay when I wake up, it was your idea,” Not-Gordon shot a small warning glare at them. The effect was definitely lessened as it practically melted at their touch. It was surprised by how much it actually wanted the feeling; it didn’t realise it was so touch-starved.

“I make no promises,” they smirked. One hand rested on the HEV suit’s chest plate, and Not-Gordon imagined they could feel its nonexistent weight.

Not-Gordon let out a rush of air, tilting their head away for a moment. They let its eyes close for a moment, while Not-Benry’s fingers continued to card through their hair. “…I don’t want to be mad at you. Or Gordon-angry, y’know?”

Not-Benrey hummed, their focus being drawn more towards a particularly bad knot in its hair. They gently fixed it, before resuming their previous motions.

“You don’t seem to have a problem with that, though,” it observed.

“Not really,” they shrugged, glancing at the other’s face. Their voice lowered, as though afraid of being overheard. “You know the story.”

Not-Gordon drew in its eyebrows, trying to make eye contact as Not-Benry averted their gaze. “Couldn’t we change it?”

They shrugged again. “Don’t see how,” they remarked.

“Alter it, then,” they suggested.

They countered with a simple, “Not by much.”

“You’ve just accepted that?” its expression became softer, still looking up at them.

“Yup,” the popped the “p,” still avoiding Not-Gordon’s gaze, though it saw guilt in their eyes.

Not-Gordon moved to sit up, Not-Benrey’s hand slipping from its hair. It brought an arm to rest on the opposite side of Not-Benry’s legs, so that they ended up positioned to look directly at them. It rested a hand on their shoulder, making sure it had their complete attention.

“Ben- Dude, I… we’ll figure something out, yeah?” it looked them in the eyes, though they kept looking away. “Bud… I don’t want it to end like that either, and I’m gonna need you to try too, alright?”

“Yeah- uh, I’ll. I’ll try,” they managed to get out.

Not-Gordon smiled, whispering, “Thank you,” and wrapping its arms around their shoulders.

They returned the hug, securing their arms around its waist and resting their forehead on the hard metal shoulder of the HEV suit. Parts of the suit dug into Not-Benrey, but they found they didn’t mind it as much as they thought they should.

After a few moments, the pair returned to their earlier position, Not-Gordon resting their head in Not-Benry’s lap as they finally fell asleep.


End file.
